Hi Trevor this one is for you.
Today I’ve made a decision.
I think (therefore I am), I have made a decision.
A decision to ignore that inner dickhead of mine and move forward alone and without him.
Me and the dickhead have parted company, broken up. Are no longer an item.
I am tired of the abuse and the negative effect he has been having on my life so far. He’s prevented me from doing things I may have enjoyed and, like all abusive relationships he has not shown any remorse. He really has sat on the sidelines and watched as his plans have worked perfectly for him – but have served no purpose for me.
I’ve always known he was there.
Always known he was having an impact on me. Always understood that his voice never left. Was always there to guide and assist. To drop in a few ‘wise words’ of wisdom – that never really were. At every crossroads. At every decision his guidance was not sought and there he was with something to say.
He has, of course, increased any self doubt I had been trying to silence, any changes I had assumed were for the better. Every new skill I had wanted to learn, every new project I had considered he was there. Explaining rationally, that it wasn’t for me. It was not going to pan out as I expected that it would not work. My inner Mr Hounslow.
Fuck me. That is who he is. My inner dickhead is Mr Hounslow. My fucking nemesis from the past. The one who insisted on telling me that I was shit and worthless – has been living inside my head since I was 13. He was the one who made me disruptive – in a bad way. Who insists on me doing my very best to be outspoken, to be in front – in charge and rude. He is the one who has disrupted much of my adult life.
Don’t get me wrong. Adult life for me has been far from bad. But had this inner dick been a bit more supportive. A lot more in my favour. A lot more working for me then there is a lot of stuff I would have done that I have not. With that in mind, at 59 (close) I have worked out who he is and what his final work is designed to do. He wants to be proven right – he wants me to continue as is, to be the truculent and annoying 13 year old boy from a fuckingly nasty home life. To carry that on.
To spend the rest of my days, the rest of my life with him having some (if less and less) control over how it pans out. Only, the last few months of reflection have allowed me to spot him, he was in plain sight all along. But like all buried memories. The hate I had for him, his nastiness his bitterness towards me is now recognised. I’ll say it again. Hounslow you fat useless arse of teacher has now been outed.
I now know who and what you are. Despite your best efforts, your work has failed. I can evidence that. Because I am not what you wanted, not how you prophesied it would be, clearly not. But the little things, the little holds, the nagging self doubt, the seeds of awkwardness you sowed and the hangover of two years of utter hate towards me have been revealed. I will dig out my school report to confirm how you were and to answer my questions in detail. But …
It is you. You are the one. You helped my inner dickhead, you gave him the power but now it’s all out. All uncovered. No more will you dictate or choose for me. No longer can you even think about having ‘something to say’ to get involved with. You will be ignored. You don’t know. You are just a voice, you are not real. You don’t even keep me safe. You don’t form opinions for me you offer no help.
I do choose and I will make up my own mind. I will find my own path. Even if this is late or if it doesn’t ever get found. No longer will the Hounslow get to decide. No longer will your views be respected on anything, no longer can you make choices for me. I have broken free, woken up – a whole list of metaphors for what is happening.
You see, the good guys do win. Do come of out this looking good, are allowed to make their own decisions. To find their own path. Today… …It’s me. I have worked it out.
You can’t win now. Smell that coffee.
Die you arse die.
It’s all over now.
To new beginnings.
To a new life ahead – of course dotted with some of the old stuff – cos some of that I really like and it works. I am alright. I can do this. Even without the input.
Ready to get some of these people out of your life, once and for all.
The get in touch >> Contact Richard Smith – Dickhead Remover
More in this subject Trevor Hounslow
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